Children learn by watching the people around them. Parents that means you! With time, your ability to approach others and put them at ease can help to put your child at ease, too.
Do . . .
• Go first in social situations. Be the first person to say "Hi," to introduce yourself or to strike up conversations.
• Make a list of the kinds of things you would like your child to feel comfortable doing (e.g., talking with other children, asking for help from store clerks, making phone calls, etc) and make a point of doing these things in front of your child.
• Be friendly. Routinely smile, say high and greet the people you see as you go through your day.
• Compliment others often. Notice what you like about people (friends, family and strangers alike). Tell a stranger you like their hat or a friend how wonderful their dinner was.
• Make an effort to help other people when you see they are in need. Open doors for people, pick things up when people drop them or offer to carry things for friends.
• Role model taking risks and learning from them. Help your children learn by making positive comments about how you felt while you did things. Things like: "I thought that would be harder than it was." "That wasn't much fun, but I'm glad I did it and got it out of the way. At least now I don't have to worry about it." Or, "That didn't go as well as I thought it would, but at least I know what to do next time."
• Enroll in social skills classes and let your children know that you're going. Bring back the things you learn from class and share them with your family and friends. I routinely encourage parents (shy or not) who take my social skills classes to practice their new found handshake, conversation and introduction skills with their children, friends and family. Don't be surprised if your new skills make great party conversation, too. Most people struggle with social skills and are eager learn what you know so they can try it out themselves. Show your children that learning new skills from a class is a good thing.
Don't . . .
• Cross the street to avoid people you are too nervous to see.
• Embarrass your child in public.
• Criticize people in public.
• Berate yourself for having failed when you try things and they don't turn out the way you would like.
• Berate your children when they make a mistake.
But what if you're shy yourself? And there's a good chance you are--an almost 50/50 chance. Given that nearly 50% of adults in the United States are believed to be shy, it stands to reason that nearly 50% of children have at least one shy parent and somewhere in the neighborhood of 25% of children have two shy parents. It's hard to role model socially confident behavior for your children when you're struggling with shyness yourself. All you can do is your best.
• Start by modeling little things for your children like opening doors for other people when you go to the store or into restaurants.
• Take advantage of opportunities to practice being assertive in front of your children by asking how much longer it will be before you're seated at restaurants or asking sales clerks how an appliance works.
• Make an extra effort to practice social skills with your children at home . There's a good chance that teaching handshakes, introductions and conversation skills to your children will enhance your skills as well.
Fortunately, role modeling social skills for your children--even if they're in the privacy of your own home--can help your child improve his/her social skills and is likely to improve yours, as well.
Teach social skills early. When it comes to social skills, the earlier you begin teaching them the better. The prevalence of shyness among children is believed to increase with age---from roughly 20% of children in grade school to 50% of children by the time they reach adolescence. Why not give your child a head start by teaching the kinds of social skills that can stack the cards in their favor?
• Arrange play dates for your children when they are young and seek out safe places for your children to interact with others and practice social skills as they get older (e.g., volunteer work, tutoring younger children, clubs and other structured activities with supportive group leaders).
• Teach your children how to enter and exit groups and how to read other people's signals (see Recommended Readings for books on how to do this).
• Help your children understand what it takes to make and keep a good friend. I particularly like the book How Kids Make Friends . . . Secrets For Making Lots of Friends No Matter How Shy You Are. While written for children, most adults could benefit from this book, as well. It's not that we don't know the material, it's just that we get so busy it's easy to forget to use it.
• Practice social skills at home. Buy an etiquette book and schedule an etiquette day once a week/month/quarterly (whatever works for you) during which you practice social skills as a family---from setting the table and the proper use of tableware to saying hello, shaking hands and introducing family members to one another. Practice smiling for a day, complimenting each other for a day or shaking each other's hands each time you greet each other for a day. Make learning social skills a natural part of your life so that your children don't feel funny taking classes and asking questions as they grow up.
• Make a game of practicing social skills outside your home. Give family members points for saying "hello" to service people, shaking hands when they meet people and taking turns asking store clerks for help. Make a list of target behaviors you want to practice before you
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